If Bob asks, Steve moved out!!

In the plethora of tasks that I accomplished today I managed to cut the lawn.

You and I both know what cutting the lawn means....

It means I get to see those free-loading bastards Bob and Steve, the spider loving couple that has taken to shacking up in my shed.

I did a quick knock on the shed door with my foot before entering... the last thing I wanted to do was walk in on Bob and Steve doing it.  Hot Male Spider Lovin' is not my type of thing...  I'm not judging... it's just not my thing.

As I pulled out the lawnmower, I noticed it was covered with the usual twenty to thirty different kind of spiders... they all ran when they seen me... the only two that don't run are Bob and Steve.

As I was starting the mower, something caught my eye on the ground right next to one of the wheels...

"hi jason"...

"Oh - shit!!  Hi Steve... what the hell are you doing sneaking up on me like that?"

"well - I was on the inside of the door napping, then I heard this giant bang on the door and I went flying through the air and landed on the couch."

"the couch?"

"yeah - this big green couch..."

"Oh - you think the lawnmower is a couch.  How funny..."

"it is our couch... there's nothing funny about it.  you rented us this place furnished... then you took away our bedroom and bathroom."

"What?"

"the box???  and the boots???"

".... the box... hmmm... Oh the old garbage that I cleaned out of here a while back... got it!  Wait - what do you mean the boots were your bathroom?!?!?  Damn it, Steve!!!  Those were my workboots!"

"well - Bob and I left you a little surprise..."

"anyway Steve... I need to cut the lawn with your couch... so if you don't mind I'll just get started."

It took me a second to look back down and realize that Steve was doing a little camo trick where he would blend in with the rocks.... and then I figured he must be doing that because he was preparing to overtake me and grab my keys... they would then be able to get in the house and take the truck for rides whenever they wanted....

Screw that!!  They don't even have money for gas.... they aren't using my truck!!

With a swift downward motion I layed my size thirteen shoe directly over top of Steve and pounded him into the rock.

That's when I felt my ankle twist and before I knew it my face was in the rain sprinkled grass....

As I looked back Steve had my leg bent at the knee and was coming up for the kill.

I swatted backwards with my right arm and missed. 

Steve managed to get me in a half-nelson.

Luckily watching all the UFC events I was able to defend this position well and break away from his hold.

I stared him down and told him it was just him and I and we were going to end this... one of us would not survive to see tomorrow...

I pulled out my nunchucks and started towards him....

Just then I heard him yell....

"BOB!!!!"

Oh crap!!  Not Bob.... anyone but Bob!!!

Although paralyzed by the thought of Bob now coming out, I had to take my shot.  With Steve's back turned to me I leapt into the air... at least eight feet... maybe more... :)

On the way down it was a direct hit.  I dragged the foot back to be sure, loaded up the gun and fired twice just to be sure.

It was over... Steve was gone...

"What the fuck is all the commotion out here!", Bob shouted.

"Oh ... Uh... Hey Bob!!  How's it going buddy?!"

"It WAS going great - until I was woken up when I heard Steve shouting for me.... where is my bitch?"

"Steve?  Haven't seen him..."

"What?  I just heard him shouting for me... and you're out here - don't feed me a line of bullshit."

"Oh ... Steve!!  Yeah... I mean ... I did see him.  He was shouting to you because he saw the .... uh... spider circus ...."

"What the hell are you talking about Jason?"

"You know... the spider circus.. they come buy every once in a while to gather up the most talented spiders and take them on the road to perform in front of millions!  You know as well as I do Steve had a great voice and ... well Bob... you didn't treat him that well... maybe he was fed up?"

"Bullshit!  There is no such thing as a spider circus you dumbass."

"...."

"If Steve is not back home tonight I'm going to call the spider police and have a search party sent out looking for him.", Bob said.

"So - there is a spider police squad?"

"Of course... moron!"

"Ok - well I hope you find him Bob... if I see him while I'm cutting the lawn I'll be sure to tell him that you're looking for him..."

"You better...  and hurry up and get that couch back to me... I'm planning on watching some TV tonight and I'm getting tired of you taking the shit we're paying for..."

"Bob you don't even pay re....  ah nevermind.  Ok - see you Bob!!"

Hopefully Bob won't stumble across the remains... I put them in a little matchbox and buried them out behind the garage.

If you think that was overkill - then obviously you haven't met Bob.  I almost attached a little rock to the matchbox and put him at the bottom of Sugarloaf Lake so that Bob wouldn't find him...

Oh well - so if Bob asks.... Steve moved out!!

Everything!

Today was a pretty busy day - but exactly the type I really enjoy.

Work was work - let's not talk about that.

At 4pm I had my guitar lesson in A2... I'm currently working on "Comfortable" by John Mayer and it's very cool to learn just how talented of a player Mayer is....

I left the lesson, came back to work for a bit, then headed over to the Ann Arbor Adobe User Group (FlashFocused) Monthly meeting.  Good stuff!  I haven't showed up in quite a while and it was nice to think "web" again.  I'll soon be slingin' some web and digging back in to check out what's new on that front since I've been away.

After that I headed home and cranked up the lawnmower.  This meant I had to go into the shed... I'll post about the adventure there right after this one.

Got the lawn cut just as it started to rain... finished while it was raining... neighbors thought I was crazy, but that's ok. 

Headed in the house, grabbed up all my laundry that has been looking like the leaning tower of pisa, did two full loads.

Changed the vacuum bag - cranked it up and cleaned through the house.

Hopped into the office and burned to new karaoke CD's full of songs.

Moved into the second living room and tested them out.

Drafted up a post to put up at work for a roommate... I think it started out with something like "Large chested single female wanted for roommate.  Must enjoy sexy parties at least three times a week and not be afraid of seeing me cleaning the house in just my Nacho Libre mask..."  Don't worry - I re-read the post and realized that this was completely horrible so I've modified it some and took out the Nacho Libre reference.  :)

Picked up the guitar and have managed to get some good practice in...  now I'll finish this next post and head off to bed.

Totally unrelated to this post I had a weird dream last night where my cousin's fiance cheated on him with me.  Totally weird.  You didn't really need to know this...  damn it... ok ... at some point I'm going to make a new rule about not leaving the unfiltered crap that flows out of my brain on the blog....  until then... enjoy... or be disgusted... either way, focus on the emotion, own it and go with it.  :)

Till next time - Peace, Love and Comfy Chaps!

Adventures in Spiderville

Today has been mildly productive.  The lawn was still really wet so I decided to tackle the cleaning of the shed.  I had accidentally thrown some garbage bags in there last year and the cats that live in the shed sometimes tore them open.  Little bastards!  If they weren't so cute .... yeah ... I wouldn't do anything - I'm a sucker for animals.

So I started to clean out the shed and I heard -

"Hey!  What do you think you're doing?"

I won't lie - I jumped... I looked around - nobody was there... so I continued picking up the garbage and re-bagging it.

"Hey!  What the hell do you think you're doing?" rang again.... this time in a more stern voice... so I decided to answer.

"I'm cleaning my fuckin' shed.  Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can't do...?", I asked as if I was having a conversation with someone that wasn't there....

"Bob!"

I thought to myself... "Who the hell is Bob?" ... just then I heard a "look at me when I'm talking to you..."

I looked to the right and that's when I saw him.  It was the same fuckin' spider that laughed at me last year when I broke the dollar store broom trying to end his life....

"Oh shit!" I thought... he's probably going to be pissed and I started to wonder if they had memories like elephants.  I hope not.

I decided that I'd play it off like it was no big deal... so I struck up the conversation again. 

"I'm just cleaning out the shed... the damn cats messed it up..."

"Yeah - Steve and I don't really dig those cats coming in and out of here as they please..."

"Steve?"

"Yeah - my lover."

"Steve???"

"Yeah - I'm a gay spider ... you have a fuckin' problem with that?  We can settle this shit right now!" 

"I remember from last year that you have very little skill when it comes to fighting...  ", Bob chuckled.

Crap - he remembered.... and I was out of dollar store brooms... so I decided to try and sweet talk him.

"Dude - you spooked me last year... I wasn't trying to kill you... I was just surprised!"

Bob replied, "I was surprised when I heard the twelve year old squeal of a little girl come out of your body... you whiny bitch..."

"Well Bob, it's a pleasure to meet you - I hope to someday meet Steve"

"He's right over there...", Bob pointed with one of his massive legs.

Holy shit... he was right - there was Steve!  Steve was a bit smaller than Bob, but not frickin' much!!

"I wear the pants in this family, Steve makes the webs"...

"Well Steve - you've done a beautiful job with the place!"

"Thanks!  It's taken me a while...", Steve said.

"Ok guys - well I'm just going to clean up and I'll be out of your hair... I know what it's like when neighbors come by unannounced... TRUST ME!!"

I pulled out the lawnmower, cleaned up the rest of the shed (quickly!) and was able to get the front lawn cut.

I loaded the garbage from the shed into the garage until tomorrow morning when I'll put it out front for pick up.

That's when I noticed the bug spray on the shelf. 

I thought to myself - I wonder if it would kill spiders?  I picked up the sprayer and read it closely.  It does kill spiders!!

Back to the shed I went with gun in hand...

"You're back?", Bob said.

I figured I'd attack Bob first, because Steve was too far in the shed and I didn't want Bob to get into a rage while I was killing his lover and try to take me out at the knees or anything...

I primed the pump and sprayed Bob.  A direct hit!!

"Stop it."

What the fuck... it's not doing anything!!

"Seriously - stop it!  You're pissing me off", shouted Bob...

When I realized that it was no use - I stopped and told Bob that I had heard that spiders liked water and that I was just giving him a "rinse". 

He said something about not being stupid and that he could read the label ... I didn't stick around to hear the rest.

Here's a pic of the happy couple...  I've highlighted them - not that I needed to..

Here's a pic of Steve chilling out...

Finally a closeup of Bob... is that an iPod he's wearing?  :)

Just think the day has just begun....

... seriously though - I'm done with the shed for today.  LOL.

I swear I'm going to get a DND sign for my front door...

As I've been busy getting stuff inside the house today, I sat down for a few a bit ago and as I was thinking of what to have for dinner - I hear a knock on the door.

Great....

Maybe I'll just sit still and they'll go away....

Again - the knock occurs and then I see the eyes of a neighbor peeking in through the window on my door. 

Super - he seen me... now I have to answer.

What's great about this is I was working around the house in my sweats, no shirt.

I ponder for a second about running into my room to grab a shirt before answer the door and then I opt against that idea as I think maybe the sight of my Zeus-like body (Zeus was the god of King-Dons and Doritos, right?) will scare them into not making this mistake again....

I answer the door and give a mild flex... "Hey there, neighbor #2 - what's up?"

Neighbor #2 - "Blah, Blah, Blah - I like bugging you and shit, I'm a moron!"

Ok - so I don't really know what he said, it was something about pizza and movie and bachelor night... the point is that I wasn't interested before his intruding effin hand hit my door - so I didn't have to listen to what he was saying to know that I was going to say no and close the door.

"Thanks neighbor - I have a bunch of cleaning and other things to accomplish tonight, so I'll pass"

Neighbor #2 - "Rain Check, then?  Some other time?"

I felt like saying - "Sure - next time it's raining monkey's asses, swing by and grab me - I'll bring the beer!", but I just said "Sure", which means he'll likely be back at some point.

Ohhhh well. 

On a good note, I've been able to do a bunch of my inside cleaning today.  Damn mother nature messin' with me.  I'm hoping she gives me a good day tomorrow so that I can get the outside work done.

And three days of pain and creativity begins...

Occasionally I will find myself in a rut.  I'm kind of moving along in one of those funks right now.  I have a bunch of things that I need to get done around my house, I've been off track for many personal goals and I have a ton of ideas that I'd like to put into motion.

What's a boy to do?

Simple! - take a couple or three days to lock down and make progress.  Make a long list (or one for each day in my case) and set priorities.  Focus on your craft, one time, before you squander it like a "mindless fuckin' robot!" (thanks J.B.)

The first area of frustration revolves around not having time to do things around my house, so I'm going to bang that shit out over the next couple days.  Below are some of the items on the lists relating to the house...

- Mow / Trim the yard
- Clean up / Burn Leaves
- Check foundation for wear / cracks and repair
- Clean the shed
- Clean the garage
- Take load to the dump
- Install Air Conditioner
- Arrange furniture in the front bedroom
- Strip wallpaper from bathroom
- Full Spring cleaning (windows / ceilings / top to bottom)
- Wash siding
- Spray Bug Stop around perimeter
- there's more... but I think you get the point.

The second has to do with making time for hobbies / personal interests.  The list for these items has the following on it...

- Launch new apparel line, one t-shirt and hat design by EOB Friday.  Most of my friends haven't heard about this - but some may have... it's just time to give it a go and see if things work out.  Much more on this in the near future.
- Begin the redesign of the new TBAP website
- Practice Guitar (lots of it)
- Create basic websites for two new side projects
- Compose / Arrange / Record one new song
- One full photo shoot with the D50 (approximately 300 pics)

The third has more to do with personal goals.  Items on this list include things like...

- working out each day (i have details plans for what I'd like to accomplish each day)
- rebuilding one of my computers in the office
- reading (lots of it)

So - I've taken the next three days off work and I'm planning to wake up each morning at 6am.  As long as mother nature does not mess with me over the next couple days I think I'll be feeling really good about things by the start of next week.

Tonight I'll prepare with a bit of meditation, I'll try and get through some of the small items on the list and then hit the bed early thinking positive thoughts.

If I had to choose one person from my friends that would call bullshit on being able to pull this all off - it would be Valentine.  :)  He has been subjected to these types of lists in the past - the difference is that I'm clearing the slate to accomplish these tasks.

I'm ready...

What are you up to this week?

The hottest new game in town!!

I visited a favorite local establishment and was surprised to see that the nascar pinball machine had been replaced.  Don't get me wrong - I didn't play the pinball game, but it was cool to look at...  :)

What was it replaced by, you ask?

Just the hottest new game in town - "BAGS"

Yup - "Bags".... aka. Cornhole.

Someone took the time to convert this outdoor game of tossing bean bags into a wooden box into a video game.  Seriously.

Don't believe it?  Check it out.

If you love the real game - cool.  I won't knock it - I just find it interesting that on the credits screen it looks like it took a large group of programmers and other IT staff to come up with this thing. 

It says "from the creators of Golden Tee" - so it doesn't surprise me that it's $1 to play!!  Don't have change, no worries - there is an attached change machine that will take your twenty dollar bill.

I'm going to put some thought into making a new video game called "Bagger". 

You'll start your adventure as a shopping bag clerk at Kroger and see if you can make it all the way to the "Bagger Olympics".  I'm sure I'll rock at it because I won't put your fruit in with your dryer sheets and I'll double bag your milk without you needing to ask.

It will be an awesome game!  Wanna play?

Quote Of The Day

"Money doesn't give you real strength; it just keeps you comfortable while you experience your dysfunction"

- Stuart Wilde from the book "Silent Power"