Today has been mildly productive. The lawn was still really wet so I decided to tackle the cleaning of the shed. I had accidentally thrown some garbage bags in there last year and the cats that live in the shed sometimes tore them open. Little bastards! If they weren't so cute .... yeah ... I wouldn't do anything - I'm a sucker for animals.
So I started to clean out the shed and I heard -
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
I won't lie - I jumped... I looked around - nobody was there... so I continued picking up the garbage and re-bagging it.
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?" rang again.... this time in a more stern voice... so I decided to answer.
"I'm cleaning my fuckin' shed. Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can't do...?", I asked as if I was having a conversation with someone that wasn't there....
"Bob!"
I thought to myself... "Who the hell is Bob?" ... just then I heard a "look at me when I'm talking to you..."
I looked to the right and that's when I saw him. It was the same fuckin' spider that laughed at me last year when I broke the dollar store broom trying to end his life....
"Oh shit!" I thought... he's probably going to be pissed and I started to wonder if they had memories like elephants. I hope not.
I decided that I'd play it off like it was no big deal... so I struck up the conversation again.
"I'm just cleaning out the shed... the damn cats messed it up..."
"Yeah - Steve and I don't really dig those cats coming in and out of here as they please..."
"Steve?"
"Yeah - my lover."
"Steve???"
"Yeah - I'm a gay spider ... you have a fuckin' problem with that? We can settle this shit right now!"
"I remember from last year that you have very little skill when it comes to fighting... ", Bob chuckled.
Crap - he remembered.... and I was out of dollar store brooms... so I decided to try and sweet talk him.
"Dude - you spooked me last year... I wasn't trying to kill you... I was just surprised!"
Bob replied, "I was surprised when I heard the twelve year old squeal of a little girl come out of your body... you whiny bitch..."
"Well Bob, it's a pleasure to meet you - I hope to someday meet Steve"
"He's right over there...", Bob pointed with one of his massive legs.
Holy shit... he was right - there was Steve! Steve was a bit smaller than Bob, but not frickin' much!!
"I wear the pants in this family, Steve makes the webs"...
"Well Steve - you've done a beautiful job with the place!"
"Thanks! It's taken me a while...", Steve said.
"Ok guys - well I'm just going to clean up and I'll be out of your hair... I know what it's like when neighbors come by unannounced... TRUST ME!!"
I pulled out the lawnmower, cleaned up the rest of the shed (quickly!) and was able to get the front lawn cut.
I loaded the garbage from the shed into the garage until tomorrow morning when I'll put it out front for pick up.
That's when I noticed the bug spray on the shelf.
I thought to myself - I wonder if it would kill spiders? I picked up the sprayer and read it closely. It does kill spiders!!
Back to the shed I went with gun in hand...
"You're back?", Bob said.
I figured I'd attack Bob first, because Steve was too far in the shed and I didn't want Bob to get into a rage while I was killing his lover and try to take me out at the knees or anything...
I primed the pump and sprayed Bob. A direct hit!!
"Stop it."
What the fuck... it's not doing anything!!
"Seriously - stop it! You're pissing me off", shouted Bob...
When I realized that it was no use - I stopped and told Bob that I had heard that spiders liked water and that I was just giving him a "rinse".
He said something about not being stupid and that he could read the label ... I didn't stick around to hear the rest.
Here's a pic of the happy couple... I've highlighted them - not that I needed to..
Here's a pic of Steve chilling out...
Finally a closeup of Bob... is that an iPod he's wearing? :)
... seriously though - I'm done with the shed for today. LOL.
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