If Bob asks, Steve moved out!!

In the plethora of tasks that I accomplished today I managed to cut the lawn.

You and I both know what cutting the lawn means....

It means I get to see those free-loading bastards Bob and Steve, the spider loving couple that has taken to shacking up in my shed.

I did a quick knock on the shed door with my foot before entering... the last thing I wanted to do was walk in on Bob and Steve doing it.  Hot Male Spider Lovin' is not my type of thing...  I'm not judging... it's just not my thing.

As I pulled out the lawnmower, I noticed it was covered with the usual twenty to thirty different kind of spiders... they all ran when they seen me... the only two that don't run are Bob and Steve.

As I was starting the mower, something caught my eye on the ground right next to one of the wheels...

"hi jason"...

"Oh - shit!!  Hi Steve... what the hell are you doing sneaking up on me like that?"

"well - I was on the inside of the door napping, then I heard this giant bang on the door and I went flying through the air and landed on the couch."

"the couch?"

"yeah - this big green couch..."

"Oh - you think the lawnmower is a couch.  How funny..."

"it is our couch... there's nothing funny about it.  you rented us this place furnished... then you took away our bedroom and bathroom."

"What?"

"the box???  and the boots???"

".... the box... hmmm... Oh the old garbage that I cleaned out of here a while back... got it!  Wait - what do you mean the boots were your bathroom?!?!?  Damn it, Steve!!!  Those were my workboots!"

"well - Bob and I left you a little surprise..."

"anyway Steve... I need to cut the lawn with your couch... so if you don't mind I'll just get started."

It took me a second to look back down and realize that Steve was doing a little camo trick where he would blend in with the rocks.... and then I figured he must be doing that because he was preparing to overtake me and grab my keys... they would then be able to get in the house and take the truck for rides whenever they wanted....

Screw that!!  They don't even have money for gas.... they aren't using my truck!!

With a swift downward motion I layed my size thirteen shoe directly over top of Steve and pounded him into the rock.

That's when I felt my ankle twist and before I knew it my face was in the rain sprinkled grass....

As I looked back Steve had my leg bent at the knee and was coming up for the kill.

I swatted backwards with my right arm and missed. 

Steve managed to get me in a half-nelson.

Luckily watching all the UFC events I was able to defend this position well and break away from his hold.

I stared him down and told him it was just him and I and we were going to end this... one of us would not survive to see tomorrow...

I pulled out my nunchucks and started towards him....

Just then I heard him yell....

"BOB!!!!"

Oh crap!!  Not Bob.... anyone but Bob!!!

Although paralyzed by the thought of Bob now coming out, I had to take my shot.  With Steve's back turned to me I leapt into the air... at least eight feet... maybe more... :)

On the way down it was a direct hit.  I dragged the foot back to be sure, loaded up the gun and fired twice just to be sure.

It was over... Steve was gone...

"What the fuck is all the commotion out here!", Bob shouted.

"Oh ... Uh... Hey Bob!!  How's it going buddy?!"

"It WAS going great - until I was woken up when I heard Steve shouting for me.... where is my bitch?"

"Steve?  Haven't seen him..."

"What?  I just heard him shouting for me... and you're out here - don't feed me a line of bullshit."

"Oh ... Steve!!  Yeah... I mean ... I did see him.  He was shouting to you because he saw the .... uh... spider circus ...."

"What the hell are you talking about Jason?"

"You know... the spider circus.. they come buy every once in a while to gather up the most talented spiders and take them on the road to perform in front of millions!  You know as well as I do Steve had a great voice and ... well Bob... you didn't treat him that well... maybe he was fed up?"

"Bullshit!  There is no such thing as a spider circus you dumbass."

"...."

"If Steve is not back home tonight I'm going to call the spider police and have a search party sent out looking for him.", Bob said.

"So - there is a spider police squad?"

"Of course... moron!"

"Ok - well I hope you find him Bob... if I see him while I'm cutting the lawn I'll be sure to tell him that you're looking for him..."

"You better...  and hurry up and get that couch back to me... I'm planning on watching some TV tonight and I'm getting tired of you taking the shit we're paying for..."

"Bob you don't even pay re....  ah nevermind.  Ok - see you Bob!!"

Hopefully Bob won't stumble across the remains... I put them in a little matchbox and buried them out behind the garage.

If you think that was overkill - then obviously you haven't met Bob.  I almost attached a little rock to the matchbox and put him at the bottom of Sugarloaf Lake so that Bob wouldn't find him...

Oh well - so if Bob asks.... Steve moved out!!